I will not be quiet

I have problems existing in silence

I don't know that I can keep this quiet

I have yet to see an enemy who's yet to see

the light in me, the right in me

And soon I fear they will have to see the fight in me

I have yet to feel free

the atrocity that is free speech has yet to extend itself to me

I cannot believe that you cannot see the tricks they disguise in a media piece

the deaths of many we constantly see

yet you want to pray and desire to increase the peace

I don't call myself a warrior but I've never been blind

all I see surrounding me are traps designed to take what's mine

you see there can be no peace in the communities

not when you creep to keep all we seek from beyond our reach

I don't want this to be yet another speech

talking about goals and things that at this time we cannot achieve

there is no worse form of breach than to have you steal my color from me

so now I see that soon we may be across the street

eyeing each other

and that we may have to be prepared to take the life of another

because I will kill you before I let you take another brother.

Misunderstanding

I don’t know how to share
It’s something I just wasn’t taught
When you receive something hold on tight!
It’s with your experience these feelings you bought
We don’t speak on these things, we don’t share our biz
And if you talk about the things you’ve seen? Well, you know what it is
Everyone’s got a story, yours is just one in a line
The aftermath is not important so just move along with time
Everyone has been beaten, everyone has been through
I deal with my issues now and again
Why all of a sudden is everything about you?
We don’t care how much you cry
Or how you feel alone and empty
You’re grown and on your own
Don’t you know it’s been over a decade? Leave that old stuff alone!
It doesn’t matter that you were abandoned, molested and abused
Or that you never got to share it
Just let it go, pray real hard, speak victory and declare it!
It’s not necessary to learn how to handle those panic attacks or bouts of depression
We don’t believe in that anyway, silence is your ultimate blessing!

Wish...

I'm afraid I might lose my wish before I make it
Loving the idea gently
Caressing it slowly
Impatience and doubt
Fear
Longing for freedom my heart's desire presses
Reeling from experience my mind rebels
Having waited for nothing I continue
Seeing the potential to wreck
Fighting not to avoid
Thinking of losing
If you never try
With every triumph there's a loss
And every pain gives way to clarity
I cannot wish away this feeling
Follow it I must
Even if wrong something beautiful will be learned
In pain or in triumph
Hoping my wish comes true before long...

singly

waiting hasn't always been my forte
so let me begin by saying waiting on this man
this one that's supposed to be my number one match
the one who can accept that I want him to take charge
the one that understands he's gon have to tell me to slow my roll
and I'm gon look like huh? but i'm gon like it
because i LIKE aggressive
that man that wants to eat good because i like to cook from scratch
make your plate...draw your bath
have your back, listen to you and what happened during your day
now wait...it all sounds good, but i'm not the neatest
so understand we have to work together to keep it...clean
*shrug* hey, we all fall short somewhere
understand i'm self conscious and shy sometimes
nervous and sad sometimes
but mostly i like to laugh...all the time
now wouldn't you think that would make the recipe for a great woman?
well...first, you have to see beyond my seeming lack of interest
see, i've been courted and dropped...more than one time
i have no interest in listening to idle chit chat
you have to know you want to get to know me, and come say so
what's wrong with wanting a man who wants to be that?
this one that is going to stand over me, hold me and love me
and let me love him...man, do you not see me over here preparing myself???
there's not a thing wrong with wanting, nothing wrong with having a vision
but i'm sure tired of looking at a mirage
thought it was him, oh, wait, no...i got it!
*sigh*
ugh
ok, i'll be patient...but since i am...can he be over six feet with dark chocolate skin, white teeth, no baby mama drama
lord...no baby mama drama
i mean...since i'm waiting this long might as well get what i REALLY like...right?
let him be intimate with his creator, in touch with himself and in tune with me
let him be artistic and fine, brilliant and MINE...
can he be independent, loyal, communicative???
i ain't say perfect...don't miss my point...but can he at least have some integrity?
an ounce of loyalty?
he can get on my nerves...i'm sure he will amyway
but do i have to put up with a lie, a sneak?
i just want to be patient and see where he be
but i tell you this waiting thing...really isn't for me

cannot...

through depression, deep dark and evil
through a relentless ache that will not relinquish its hold
with the hopeless, helpless feeling that is unpredictable
i still hold a dream, a desire i still wish for those things that are not
i still nurture your well being my dream
through my failure to properly nourish you
you refuse to die
plaguing me daily, reminding me of what i said to me
"you promised we would keep going" you tell me
"i know" I say, "i'm afraid"
afraid of showing the world my idea afraid of the looks, the doubt do i dare reveal my difference?
the extent of my passions
the desire to present my pain, my joy, my love to the world in song, in poetry, in lights, in speech
i struggle with the will to survive
my sanity is more important to me than your feeling
regard for my well being ignored unintentionally
imaginary pressure i feel i can only continue to walk the path of the brave
having walked away from everything i've been taught
i have to stand on what i know and learn the rest as i go
i'm sorry i can't take your word for it i can't walk blindly toward my future
it doesn't feel right you see i cannot just take your word for it
i have to see, to study, to walk it, experience it in a world with a myriad of beliefs, gods, teachings, endings, beginnings...
you expect me just to take your word that you're right?
people perish for the lack of knowledge
if only you knew just how true and ironic that statement is...
if i perish, it will be time...but the lack of knowledge is not that which i desire to expire for...

Jan 18 poem

I had the sweetest dream I’ve known
I felt the sun’s warmth shining
And your arms wrapped around me
Everything dipped in yellow, tinted rosy
I don’t want to wake up, don’t want to move
All my positive feelings seem rooted in you
And a dream seems to be the only medium to prove we were ever here

inner turmoil flooding,
breaking the confidence now shaken in the blinded sight of a mistaken exchange,
I know the name...yet it escapes me finding that small piece in which it can find refuge,
because I refused to give permanent residence to the ruiner of such happy homes as a good man once said "that's how you end up old and alone"...
and I heed those words, can't afford to look at that too hard, I will find what I'm looking for in infinity, AND beyond, for what you "see" is truly what you get,
but not what you want.
How you can walk yourself out of your desire is beyond insanity,
for just to have faith in me is all that he's asking me...
that now, is a vision that must be achieved...